I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
from now on my penis is your penis
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
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