and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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