If i come over, it means nothing
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
