I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
