Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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