the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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