HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
