I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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