Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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