Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
you are never too drunk for berry picking
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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