some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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