So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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