I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
