Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
