is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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