If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
