if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
