I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
