Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
