seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
