my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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