I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
