You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
no more duck duck goose at the bar
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I just want nice things and good sex
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
