I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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