the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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