He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
