My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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