last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
