my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Randomize
