Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
