He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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