my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
