I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
