can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I have already put on my inside pants.
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