happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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