last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
