capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Randomize
