Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
