he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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