My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
