dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
