THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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