I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
