I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Naked Twister starts at high noon
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
