mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Randomize
