maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
