i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
