At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Randomize
