Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
