I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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