sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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