Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
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