he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
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Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
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I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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