the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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