Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
