I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
