burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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