It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
